The Secret To Get Anything You Want In Life

The Secret To Get Anything You Want In Life

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When was the last time you asked for something?  

I mean, boldly and clearly asking for something you wanted.

For most people, the concept of asking for what they want doesn’t even get put onto their mental to-do list.

In my time consulting with business and entrepreneurs, the one common thread I have seen separate the amateurs from the pros is their ability to ask for what they want..So why do so few people actually do it?

One thing’s for sure: you don’t get what you don’t ask for.

The good news is, it’s totally possible to make your asks while maintaining your composure and worth. Here are 5 tips to help you ask for what you want and get everything you want in life.

1. Ask someone who can actually give it to you.

When it comes to networking and asking people for help, I can’t keep track of the times clients have said they “network” but when I find out who they are talking to, it is abundantly clear why they aren’t landing interviews. No matter how great your people skills are, if you are talking to the wrong people, you won’t ever get the right job.

This one sounds obvious, but it’s not.

2. Be clear in what you are asking for.

There is nothing worse than someone saying, “I am not happy and need help,” but when asked what can be done to help them, they have no ideas or direction on their specific needs.  

Start to focus on exactly what you are asking for.  If it is a new job, be clear on the exact function or type of job you want to do, what city you want it in and what industry would be ideal. People cannot help you if you are not clear. Like my grandma used to always tell me: a confused mind always says no.  

When you can give someone a powerful visual of what you are looking for, it will help stick in their memory. The phenomenon of the pictorial superiority effect affirms that people tend to remember visuals over audible words. When talking to someone, create as much of a visual as possible. This means being specific in your ask.

For example, if you are a consultant, and someone asks what kinds of business you are looking to work with, don’t answer, “Oh, I will work with anyone” ... This is a blank slate. Instead, get specific, for example: “I really thrive when working with medium-sized businesses that are in the finance industry.” 

Suddenly, the person you’re talking to knows where to look, and who to talk to. 

3. Be vulnerable.

When it comes to support and trust in a person or a brand, 86% of people say authenticity matters. If you aren’t being authentic with your request, you aren’t going to get what you want.

The truth is, authenticity requires a level of vulnerability and being open about your needs and wants. It is hard to be authentic when you consider how vulnerable it makes you, especially if someone responds to you with a “no.” 

Remember, there’s a fine line between addressing an insecurity and shining a spotlight on a weakness. There’s a fine line between what’s personal and what’s private, and I recommend assessing within yourself: what feels personal and vulnerable? Alternatively, what feels private? Stepping into opening your heart and creating connections through personal stories and truth is a powerful career move.  

4. Ask again.

When it comes to making asks, realize that you don’t have to live in scarcity. You have every reason to be able to keep asking for what you want because remember: some of the greatest works of art were rejected before the artists were recognized for their magic. 

Commit yourself to be persistent in the pursuit of what you want. Realize that creativity is actually the result of persistence. You will begin to find the connection between seemingly unrelated things. Your persistence will begin to show you avenues to get your “yes” that weren’t so easy to see in the beginning.  When it comes to success, persistence does play a contributing factor and research shows it even trumps talent. 

I am not saying to spam a few contacts over and over with your request, but just because someone said no today, doesn’t mean they would still say no in a month, or a year. 

On that note, never underestimate the power of a follow-up email. Take note to follow up with people who didn’t reply, as it’s a key leadership move not to take their silence as a rejection. Perhaps after you follow up, if you don’t hear back, it’s then time to simply ask someone else to support you in achieving what you want.

5. Be gracious when you receive a no.

Rejection once doesn’t mean rejection forever. And if it does, choose to respect the grace.  

You don’t want to react with anger or aggression when someone turns down your request or doesn’t hire you. This will only burn more bridges for your future. You never know what led them to say no in the first place; perhaps it was out of their control.  

Also realize that how you relate to someone’s “no” is one of the biggest determinants of your long term career success. It’s not personal, and it’s not a rejection. People simply offer up what they’re game to offer, and you can always relate to someone’s “no” or non-response as a permission slip for you to also say no sometimes. You’re human, and that means you cannot do everything… neither can the people you’re asking!

Instead, thank them for their time and choose to view it as a learning lesson and opportunity to become better. Your response to rejection actually affects your health. People who have a “glass-half-full” attitude are less likely to have poor cardiovascular health, blood pressure and risk for viral infections. 

I hear it all the time, a company says no, and the candidate replies with dignity and affirms their long term interest and the company ends up circling back around later to offer an opportunity.  

Don’t be afraid to step into your voice and speak from your heart to get what you want. Trust me, you will be surprised by how many people are willing to help.

Now get out there and go after what you want!

What Can We Do to Help Teenage Boys Become Better Men?

For the last 25 years, journalist Peggy Orenstein has been documenting and dissecting the inner lives of teenage girls in America, exploring why some young women struggle with confidence or harbor secret Disney princess obsessions. But with the #MeToo movement shining an overdue light on sexual assault, she’s turned her reporting to a newly urgent subject: the burgeoning sex lives of teenage boys, and the lessons they’re learning (or not learning) about how to be a man.

Her method is simple: she talks to teens—hundreds of them—then compiles their stories to share their internal struggles with the world, providing the rest of us with a nuanced look inside their homes, schools, friendships and more. “It’s truly about being open and curious," she told GQ over the phone, “giving them the space to explore themselves without criticism or judgment.”

In 2016, Orenstein released a groundbreaking study (and massive New York Times bestseller), Girls & Sex, that pulled back the curtain on the complicated terrain of hookup culture, the unfortunate realities surrounding assault, and how porn and its misrepresentations of women have seeped into girls’ lives.

For her new book, Boys & Sex, she asked more than 100 college and college-bound guys between the ages of 16 and 22 about things they don’t often open up about: intimacy, masculinity, and consent. The result is a stunning portrait of young men in quiet crisis: desperate to break out of the “man box,” where emotional vulnerability is taboo, but afraid of being ostracized and ridiculed if they do, and unsure of where to turn for help and advice.

She spoke with GQ about why adults need to have uncomfortable conversations with teenagers, how free porn has changed the way guys think about sex, and what kids really mean when they say the word “hilarious.”

GQ: I noticed you mentioned GQ in your book, in relation to a study we performed in 2018 that showed 47 percent of American guys hadn’t discussed #MeToo with anyone.Orenstein: When the Kavanaugh stuff was happening, I checked in with boys and said, "How are you guys talking about this?" They basically said they weren't, that boys weren't discussing it with other boys at all. If they talked about it, it was just with girls.

Why is that, do you think?When I first started writing about girls in the ‘90s, there was a recognition that it was an inflection point. People were like, oh my God, we've layered all these new expectations over the old ones without actually getting rid of the old expectations. It was causing this huge tension and pressure on young girls, which I think is sort of where we are with boys.

I speak to parents of girls and they would say to me privately, "But you know, I'm afraid to raise a girl to be more assertive, to stand out, to speak her mind, because what if she gets called a bitch? What if nobody wants to be her friend, what if guys don't like her?" I feel like that's what I'm hearing right now about boys. "Okay, we know we have to do something different, but it's risky and it's scary. What happens if it bounces back and hurts my child?"

Since then, a lot of people have created an environment where we could talk to girls about these issues. It's not perfect. There's still a lot to be addressed, but girls have a much more expansive idea now about what it means to be female and that's to their benefit. It's time to bring boys into that conversation.

How to give a really great GDC talk

The following blog post, unless otherwise noted, was written by a member of Gamasutra’s community.The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not Gamasutra or its parent company.

The Game Developer's Conference starts in less than 2 months. It is so close that I am already planning out when I am going to my barber so I look sharp but don’t have that first-day-of-school-I-just-got-a-haircut look.

I am excited to be giving two talks in GDC 2020. Here they are:

How people shop for your game

What to write so people buy

Back in March 2019 I gave the biggest talk of my career at the Game Developers Conference. It was all about email marketing. You can watch it here.  

I thought it went well just judging by crowd reactions. I had no idea...

When I received the feedback report I was shocked to discover it was the highest-rated talk among the entire GDC 2019 summit! 

Several people suggested I do a GDC talk about how to do a GDC talk. I am not ready to do that. Instead, here is a brain dump of some rules I use when writing and giving my talk. If any of this doesn’t make sense just ask me.

If you have a talk in GDC 2020 congrats! I can’t wait to watch it and meet you. If you didn’t get accepted to GDC this year but want to give a talk, this will hopefully help too (see the section at the bottom for tips on getting in)

Here are my tips.

My talk was ranked #1 by the attendees. But that is in no way an indication that it was the best talk. Here are some disclaimers to put this in context.

First a disclaimer. Privilege alert big time.

I am a white cis man. We have been the voice of authority for so long that people are just used to, and are comfortable with, us talking. I am absolutely sure that women and POC speakers got fewer positive votes and more nasty comments just because of who they are. I am sure systemic sexism and racism wrongly affects the ratings of non-white male speakers because of the sound of their voice, because they “seem” to be unsure of themselves, or a million other tiny shitty reasons. Before we begin I want to signal boost some awesome talks that I saw at GDC 2019 that deserve to be ranked just as high as mine: 

Bonus: Victoria also wrote up a great article about how to beat your fears and give a talk 

Second disclaimer: These are just the rules I live by when I give my talks.

I am not saying that if you don’t follow these you can’t give a good talk. There are many great speakers who have a completely different style from me. All I am trying to say is that these are the rules I follow when I write and give my talks. Also my topic was an informative talk (meaning I was trying to teach something.) Advocacy talks have a totally different tone and goal. Not all of these tips will apply for other types of talks. But at least some could. 

Third disclaimer: I had the last slot of the day with a boring title like “Email Marketing.”

The only people who would attend a talk like that had to be business-minded and anyone who would have hated my talk probably decided to go to dinner instead. Several other GDC talks earlier in the day were more general interest and better attended. That means my audience was more tuned in and more likely to give me a high rating.

Fun fact: Grace Bruxner's great talk was at the exact same time as mine and both our talks were about "building." The GDC schedulers were like eh... this is building hour. 

How I write my talk 

My talks are a story instead of just a long list of facts. I always build the talk around a natural story arc which will show up between the boring facts. I also build in payoffs and callbacks to the beginning of the talk.

I give tiny actionable facts that someone could implement. I try to take advice so specific, so step-by-step that viewers have everything they need to actually try it.

I deconstruct the bullet point pages. If I have a page with a list of bullet points it makes it so easy to just sit and read them to the audience. That means I will be stuck on a single slide for a long time. That is very hard to make interesting! Instead, I make each bullet point its own slide with its own awesome picture. Then I explain what that picture is. It makes my talk feel so much more kinetic and interesting.

Instead of trying to generalize my tips to apply to more people, I do the reverse. I make my tips more specific for a smaller audience. Viewers are smart. If the tip doesn’t directly apply to them, they will adapt it in a way that will. I am more worried that if my content is too generalized, it is just boring because then I would just be saying “well it depends on the situation.” People don’t travel thousands of miles and pay thousands of dollars to hear “it depends.”

I take advice that is well known and research who originally said it the backstory and the original context. I appear to know 1000% more than what I do because I gave a very specific fact about Elias St. Elmo Lewis. 

My audience is actually Youtube. About 150 people saw my talk live at GDC. On the other hand, when my talk was posted on youtube, it earned almost 16,000 views. So I make sure I make the first minute super exciting so the youtube audience doesn’t click on the other video that is in the “up next” column. Also, they will have access to the web so give them links to go to. Also, I have a call to action so they can follow me.

I keep revisiting my main points throughout the presentation. If you rewatch my talk you will see I referenced the sales funnel on 18 separate slides. I kept calling back to it from every possible angle I could. I know I have to hammer and repeat and repeat my point for people to get it. 

I add pathos and nostalgia. I talked about my kid and who I was when I was 9 years old. I can’t just be a fact spewing automaton. I have to be vulnerable up there and talk about who I am even if I were to give a talk about pre-baked-lighting UV Maps. 

I always give examples to prove my points. When I see a talk with a piece of advice without showing “why” it makes me wonder where it came from. Was that something they tried and it failed? Are there charts or numbers to prove that? I always back up every bit of advice with real-world proof.

I never put fully animated GIFs in my slides that loop. On the big screen it is very distracting, it can hurt people’s eyes, and be very hard on people who are prone to sensory overload. Keep gifs to less than 25% of the screen size and make sure they never contain strobing effects. I also don't spend very long on slides that do have those animations.

Hey this is the line in front of my talk. It is really cool to see.

Preparing for my talk

I don’t memorize a script but I also don’t wing it - I speak from a place between those two poles. Reading a word-for-word script sounds rehearsed and can be boring. Instead, for every slide, I memorize the one point I want to make. Then when the slide comes up I just explain what that point is. I am not quite improvising but I try to visualize that I am teaching the new person at work what I do. There are certain tricky phrases in the talk that I actually memorize word-for-word but they are the minority case. The problem with memorizing every word in the talk is if I forget my lines I will start stammering and get nervous and enter some death spiral. Also if I just read my script verbatim it also sounds like I don't know what I am talking about because anyone could have been up there and just started reading my script.

I also don’t write my talk out word-for-word. Everyone has two different vocabularies: a speaking one and a larger written vocabulary. If I write out my entire talk word for word I will be using my written vocabulary and will use words and sentence structures that nobody would ever say out loud. It comes off overly rehearsed. 

This is what it looks like 23 seconds before your talk starts. From the speaker's point of view it seems like we are giving a talk to glowing hair.

Giving my talk

Make it worth it for people who came - People paid thousands of dollars and flew halfway around the world to see these GDC talks. They are probably stressed, hungover, and tired. As they wait for my talk they are probably worried about the unanswered emails that are piling up and expense reports they still have to file. They hope that my talk will be worth their time. It is my job to make it worth their effort. I make a talk that is so entertaining, so fun that they feel like they just witnessed something so totally amazing. Like it was a magical one time ever event.

I try to be the most excited person in the room about my subject matter and express that excitement. Loudly. If I don’t care about it, who else in that room is going to?

I play for the last row in the room. I was very loud and very animated. More than if I were talking to just one or two people. To the person who got stuck with the crappy seat in the back of the room, I look like a tiny peach-colored dot. I have to be overly animated to make the room see me. 

Turn nervous energy into excitement energy - The bonus of being overly animated is that I can mask my shaking hands with wild gesticulations. It works.

I don’t stand behind the podium. When I am nervous, it is tempting to clutch that podium like it is a life raft in the ocean. I get out from behind it so I can be more expressive. Look at Ted talks. They don’t even have podiums. Also see my point above about appearing as a tiny dot for most of the room. Hiding behind a podium makes me an even smaller dot.

I use a Bluetooth clicker to advance my slides. It makes me seem like a wizard who can summon new slides anytime I want. It also keeps me away from the podium. This is the one I was clutching during my GDC talk. It is inexpensive and lets you get away from your laptop.

Additional insider tip: they let you hug the signs when you are a speaker.

Secret tip section - How to get a GDC talk

My entire lived experience matters more than my games experience - Before my talk I never worked in the game’s industry. I have released a half-dozen games but none of them are hits. However, I did have decades of outside experience with digital marketing and figured out how to apply it to games. This is a small industry and always needs a transfusion of new ideas from new people. Don’t think you have to be a veteran of the industry to be here. 

Expect to fail, play the numbers - Please apply for talks! Don’t let imposter syndrome stop you. We need more diverse and energetic voices out there. Don’t be afraid to apply as long as you have at least some experience in games. I submitted 6 separate talk proposals to GDC 2019 and I only got 1 approved. Think about that! 5 different people passed on my talk which would eventually be the highest rated one. Joke is on them right? The approval board has no idea that you will give a good or a bad talk. So don’t feel like if you get rejected you suck. They have no idea who you are and are just making wild ass guesses. So don’t fear rejection because it is a numbers game where you must take lots of chances. 

Give back to get here - Tweeting your gaming opinions does not count as giving back. Everyone does that and so that is minimum table stakes. Instead, take that barn-burner of a tweetstorm and spend the time to write out a well-researched blog post. Then do it several more times. Both of my GDC 2020 talks were originally blog posts. See it here. And before I gave my GDC 2019 talk I blogged for at least a year before someone approached me to give a talk at a smaller gaming conference. Which brings me to my next point...

GDC wasn’t my first talk - I gave talks at my local IGDA, then at the Montreal Discoverability Summit. Those talks got out there and showed that I can be relied upon and give good talks. The people who decide who gets into GDC read a lot of blogs and watch a lot of talks. You have to work your way up the ladder. 

That is all I got. Speaking is really fun. It doesn’t sell games but it opens doors with people who have a lot of influence in the game’s industry. Those folks can help you sell your game.

Again, let me know if you have any questions.

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