What’s the Worst Thing About the Bad Place?
Welcome! Everything is terrible. Because we’re talking about the Bad Place, you fat dinks. One of the best things about The Good Place as a television show is, perhaps counterintuitively, the Bad Place, largely because the details we get about it are often gloriously specific and funny. Sometimes they’re just silly, and sometimes they seem perfectly calibrated in their awfulness to how horrible humans can be.
As The Good Place comes to an end, it’s worth taking stock of all we learned about the Bad Place in four seasons and one web series. The Bad Place contains a whole lot of bad stuff, ranging from physically painful to terribly mundane, from incredibly gross to mentally/spiritually trying. Looking at it all, I can’t help but wonder … what’s the worst thing about the Bad Place? To attempt to answer this question, it feels right to employ what is probably a demon’s preferred form of internet content: the ranked listicle.
A few parameters that I’ve arbitrarily set: (1) Everything that happens (all torture) during the episodes in which Eleanor, Chidi, Jason, and Tahani think they’re in the Good Place but are actually in the Bad Place counts as one “thing” about the Bad Place, which is that it was masquerading as the Good Place; (2) In considering what was worse, the demons themselves or the plethora of tortures they inflicted, I factored in that most of the demons at least end up on board with the new Good Place evaluation plan (according to the episodes that have aired as of this writing) which means that maybe demons can change for the better. Michael did; (3) The Bad Place’s modifications to Mindy’s Medium Place don’t count, because they exist in the Medium Place; (4) Humans who are in the Bad Place don’t get specific entries on this list because, as discovered in Season 3, all humans for the past 500 or so years have landed in the Bad Place; (5) Fears are subjective, so there are bound to be qualms with this ranking.
So … what’s the worst thing about the Bad Place? Here’s everything, ranked from least-worst to worst-worst. In the spirit of the Bad Place: [insert Bad Janet fart here].
113. The threat of watching extremely cute red panda videos: This is how Shawn threatens his demon employees. Doesn’t sound so bad to me.
112. Employee of the Bearimy hall of photos: History is important.
111. The Eternal Shriek: Retirement for demons involves flaming ladles down the throat, for one; seems like just desserts for all the torture.
110. Shawn’s hand buzzer for handshakes
109. Shawn’s prank call capabilities
108. All Bad Place trains are delayed by three hours, every day
107. Playing “Right Here Waiting” as the “deeply terrible” music to inspire the demon hackers: I don’t totally hate this song. Am I a Bad Place demon?
106. The train to the Bad Place: It gets one degree hotter every time you think about how hot it is.
105. Delayed tweet reading
104. Stack of endless New Yorker issues: To paraphrase Michael, you know you’re never going to read them.
103. Ice-cold yoga: The point of this class may be pulling “so many muscles,” but it seems to be for demons only—not human torture.
102. Evil Zumba class: Ditto above.
101. Teeth flatteners (yet to be invented, just an idea)
100. Bees with penises (yet to be invented, just an idea)
99. Jacksonville Jaguars games are constantly playing: Is this real or just part of Michael’s Jason roast? We may never know.
98. “I was living in what I assume was Eleanor’s worst nightmare: Every day was basically one endless baby shower for a woman I didn’t know, but also somehow I had to organize it and if I didn’t remember everyone’s name I got a very strong electric shock. And then at night it was pretty classic torture: flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv. And there was always jazz music playing.” This is Vicky, as “Real Eleanor,” lying about the torture she faced in the Bad Place, but some of the stuff she references is real.
97. Food that turns to spiders in your mouth: This was Vicky as “Real Eleanor” again, so who knows if this is real, but it’s horrifying to imagine.
96. Beer pong played with Jason’s testicles: Offered as a suggestion, but is probably also real.
95. Shawn’s plan to choke Michael for eternity: Shawn can do better than this.
94. Stuffing a globe up one’s butt: Specifically, Christopher Columbus’s butt.
93. Shawn’s goo cocoon
92. Hangovers: The demons like them.
91. The old Bad Place rallying cry of, “Dead eyes, eat hearts, can’t lose!” What would Coach Taylor think?
90. Goose turds: Cigars for demons.
89. The box of Dunkin’ Spiders that Todd brings to a meeting
88. Humans pulling out each other’s teeth: Apparently, it didn’t work very well because humans are hesitant to torture each other.
87. Bad Janet: Bad Janet may be annoying, rude, a terrible DJ, and largely unhelpful, but she really comes through in the end after reading Michael and Good Janet’s human manifesto. She’s still rude while switching sides, but she switched when it mattered.
86. That demon who offers to bring back a dump from the bathroom for Tahani
85. All the unnamed demons who populate the Bad Place and participate in Michael’s original experiment and Shawn’s schemes
84. Vicky: In the end, Vicky just wanted to find her actorly purpose in (after)life.
83. Glenn: Glenn, a.k.a. “Snakes Pour Forth From His Anus,” turned away from reinflating flattened penises (to then be reflattened) to try to warn the humans about Shawn’s plan—he just had the details slightly wrong.
82. Todd: The lava monster who actually seemed kind of OK (can’t blame the guy if his human suit was itchy).
81. Lance: The maybe-fire-squid?
80. Rufus: Shawn’s bodyguard.
79. Phil: It seems like Phil was going far in the Performative Wokeness Department.
78. Trevor’s crew of party demons
77. Chris: Chris isn’t the sharpest demon in the demon box (but all those “trips to the gym” are paying off for his skin suit).
76. Gayle: She’s just looking for someone to split a baby with … to eat.
75. Bambadjan: In the (meant to be complimentary) words of Shawn: “such an unbelievable dingus.”
74. Val: In the (meant to be complimentary) words of Shawn: “Who’s a bigger skid mark than Val?”
73. Chet: The sack-tapping demon in the Toxic Masculinity Department, played by Dax Shepard.
72. Ads for triple-stabby pitchforks
71. Mirrors in toilets
70. Magnet jail for Good Janet
69. The command to “Axe up”: Featuring a new Axe scent: Transformers.
68. The Museum of Human Misery (specifically the Hall of Low-Grade Crappiness)
67. Shawn’s illegal door to Earth
66. Bad Janet’s farts: The smell lasts 10 million years.
65. The Performative Wokeness Department
64. “Describing the plot to the Entourage movie”: This is torture specifically engineered for William Shakespeare.
63. Joe Rogan’s podcast: Shawn made Emily Dickinson listen to it.
62. How philosophers get tortured in the Bad Place: They go to school naked every day, then take a test in a class they’ve never been to, and then they get smashed with hammers.
61. The Children’s Dance Recital Department
60. Holiday Weekend Ikea Department
59. Welcome farts
58. Four-headed flying bears
57. Chainsaw bears
56. The phases of demon growth: Larva, slug monster, spooky little girl, teenage boy, giant ball of tongues, social media CEO, demon.
55. Lava monsters: I mean, they pour lava down human’s throats.
54. Acid snakes: Vicky’s true demon form.
53. Fire squids: Michael’s true demon form.
52. Ten-headed dog spider(s)
51. Pirates of the Caribbean 6: The Haunted Crow’s Nest or Something, Who Gives a Crap?: Now playing everywhere forever.
50. The comedy roast: Invented by the Bad Place.
49. Bad Place karaoke: Singer’s choice: a Mussolini speech, a Mel Gibson rant, or the Nixon tapes.
48. Being locked in an unmarked room for eternity
47. Bad Janet’s Void: Includes: a Pirates of the Caribbean 12 billboard, a monster truck, music that gets louder when you say “music off,” trash, tire, and dumpster fires, beer pong, a cannon, toilets, half-empty pizza boxes, the messed up pony Chidi drew during magic Pictionary, a Porta Potty, and a rude computer.
46. A branding iron shaped like Mike Tyson’s face tattoo to use on people’s butts
45. Blood fountains: Are they for drinking? Making wishes? Either way, not great.
44. Poking sticks
43. Poking
42. Tearing
41. Slicing
40. The Toxic Masculinity Department
39. Snake pit
38. Acid pit
37. Butthole flies: Best attracted with oozing pus.
36. Nostril wasps
35. Mouth fleas
34. Nine hot dog torture departments: Including “making people into” and “stuffing people with.”
33. The Twisting Department: In the words of Chris, “People came in, and I twisted them until they snapped in half, and I moved on to the next one.”
32. The Disembowelment Department
31. The Spastic Dentistry Department
30. Turning humans inside out: Step 1: reach through throat. Step 2: grab butt from inside. Step 3: profit?
29. The Partial Decapitation Department
28. Turning humans into soup
27. A volcano full of scorpions
26. Bees with teeth: The inventor’s picture is in the Bad Place Hall of Fame.
25. “Your brains will be removed, studied, and batted about a stadium like beach balls, your arms will be peeled like bananas—that part’s just for fun—and then you will be tortured for, you know, ever.”
24. Scorpion diapers
23. “Literally, they will boil us.”
22. Squiggly eyeball corkscrews
21. Butthole spiders: I shudder to think.
20. Impaling
19. DemonCon: “100 straight days of seminars, lectures, and other crap you’ll hate.” This is where all torture innovation is born.
18. Pulling out fingernails
17. The endless screams of the perpetually tortured
16. The Kars4Kids jingle: The official song of the Bad Place. It’s stuck in your head already, isn’t it?
15. The food offerings in the actual Bad Place, even though the demons don’t technically need to eat: Soul food from Maine; bagels from Arkansas; egg salad from a hospital vending machine in Azerbaijan; Hawaiian pizza; a baby; gunk from a Sonicare; expired, way-too-hot New England clam chowder; shoe sludge; dandruff; a can of mixed teeth; sun-dried mayo; burrito full of hair; and seven-layer dip (barf, garbage, glass, condom confit, repeat). It’s impossible not to gag.
14. Burning people with fire: A classic hell move.
13. Penis flatteners
12. Hot spike pits with lava and bees and lightning that tears off human flesh
11. Busting humans open like a piñata: “The goo that comes out doesn’t taste as good as candy,” says Michael.
10. Shawn: Shawn is rude, sexist, in charge, and he loves cheating and psyching Michael out. He comes around to the new afterlife plan in the end, but who knows if change will last for someone so evil?
9. Trevor: Michael says, “Trevor is a diabolical, sadistic agent of evil. He might just be the single most dangerous creature in the universe.” I say Trevor SUCKS.
8. Michael suit/personalized skin suits to torture humans with: At DemonCon, Shawn calls the personalized skin suit the dawn of a new era in torture. It is extra cruel for the demons to torture a human while wearing a skin suit that looks like a loved one or nemesis.
7. “Rip a cat in half, it’s a party, Vicky, come on!”
6. The puppy cannon
5. All the rampant sexism and sexual harassment training: In the Bad Place, this is training on how to sexually harass, not how NOT to.
4. Endless memory erasure
3. “The Good Place” neighborhood 12358W, Michael’s original 15 million point torture plan: The Season 1 reveal that the four humans had been in the Bad Place masquerading as the Good Place all along was a great and cruel twist. This line item includes all the torture the core four faced during this first experiment: Chidi’s forever stomachache, Eleanor’s clown art, Jason having to stay quiet and his diarrhea from all the Froyo, Tahani thinking her point total was low, all the incidental torturing the humans inflicted on each other, and … basically everything that happened in Season 1 goes here.
2. All of the other Fake Good Place reboots and everything within them: This includes all the torture the humans faced in the 801 reboots after that first Fake Good Place, such as Eleanor’s pooping lizard, Tahani’s mean centaur, Tahania, Chidi being trapped in a purple space bubble, Jason’s silent monk soulmate, and more. This is worse because it went on for 300 years, give or take. That’s 800-plus memory reboots and countless torture that we never even saw.
1. That all of the bad things about the Bad Place literally last for eternity: A constant refrain throughout the show’s run is that the Bad Place’s inhabitants will be tortured for eternity. Even if the afterlife system is changing now, the worst thing about the Bad Place as it was is undeniably that all the terrible things within it were never-ending, forever. That’s way scarier than butthole spiders.
Jessica MacLeish is a pop culture writer and freelance book editor based in Brooklyn (but also on the World Wide Web, tweeting sporadically @jessmacleish).
Sign up for the The Ringer NewsletterRoad to the IGF: Sisi Jiang's LIONKILLER
This interview is part of our Road to the IGF series. You can find the rest by clicking here.
LIONKILLER casts the player as Hua Mulan, conscripted into into the First Opium War against the British Empire. Through their choices, the player can chase their dream of running a flower shop, uncover conspiracies, or kiss a girl. But will these personal acts of rebellion change the history that's unraveling before them?
Gamasutra spoke with Sisi Jiang, sole developer of the Excellence in Narrative-nominated title, to talk about the power of finding your own means of fighting even if your fate cannot be changed, hoping the player can be stirred to feel and think through story, and the beauty that still comes from less-than-ideal development circumstances.
I'm Sisi Jiang, and I am the sole developer. Which means that any bugs you might encounter are fully mine. Sorry about that!
I come from roleplaying forums that were mostly run by girls who migrated from Neopets. I learned to code by taking apart and reassembling the code of better designers (with their stated permission, of course). Beyond that, I’ve never taken a single computer science course. My major in college was history, which probably helped in the historical research for LIONKILLER. I’m hoping that my nomination can show young designers that you don’t need an engineering background to make video games.
You know how marginalized fans are often told “If you don’t like the big franchise, then go make it yourself?” That was my reaction to Disney’s Mulan (1998). I saw it for the first time four years ago, and I was horrified that it had been turned into a “girl power” kind of story. I mean, that’s Disney, but I grew up with the ballad. For me, the story was about sacrificing a girl because the old man was more valuable to the family. I don’t think any amount of individual girl power can override living in a patriarchal society.
I used Twine, Photoshop, and a lot of online tutorials.
I know people are expecting me to say that I started with a political agenda (people will probably still say this), but the honest truth of it is that I have a history degree. I prefer researching modern history to classical history. The reason is because modern states have much better bookkeeping, so there were a lot more details to draw from when creating this game.
China gets invaded by different countries, depending on the version of Mulan. My academic background was mostly in the 19th-20th centuries. Guess who was the most powerful empire back then! I needed an actually threatening villain, so I started following the breadcrumbs to the First Opium War. Once I got there, I started feeling that the wars were linked to the larger British strategy of trying to conquer all of Asia. British India would produce raw materials (opium) and provide the soldiers (sepoys).
I linked LIONKILLER to the campaigns in Central Asia by making the British officer a veteran of the first Anglo-Afghan war (look up “the Great Game”). My secret is that I had to cut 40 percent of the original game for scope and budget reasons, but I wanted to bring in a more colorful cast of characters. More intrigue! More unlikely historical alliances! Unfortunately, scope cuts are a painful reality of game development. It still blows my mind that people can play one route in a scoped-down game and think that’s the canon LIONKILLER.
The branching itself wasn’t that hard, I think the real issue was trying to create the illusion of choice while keeping scope creep under control. Like, if I branched too early and closed the branch too late, I’d create too much of a burden for content needs. I think I eased the pressure once I saw the playtest comments and realized that most players don’t really think about the alternative paths other than the one that they’re currently on. And most people only play the game once.
Choice is really fragile in LIONKILLER. I mean, the whole story revolves around a conscription. Why choose if your decisions still lead to a war that you didn’t sign up for? Why choose anything if your fate is still etched into the stars? I think that question is relevant to a lot of young people who have been pigeonholed into careers they didn’t want.
LIONKILLER presents players with private moments of rebellion that are meant to keep their hearts human. I mean, you can’t actually desert with the Brigadier-General’s horse, but you could make an unsuccessful attempt. You’ll be punished for it, but you’re using the game as a tool to express your dissatisfaction. That was important to me because I always considered Mulan a story about filial piety, even at the expense of selfhood. As the designer, I wanted to make it clear that the player’s anger and discomfort mattered.
There were a lot of choices that didn’t affect the outcome in part one because I thought that it was important as a part of a war story. The main character had a whole life ambition. They want to open a flower shop, or they want to run away with a girl. I authored those things, but the player gets to pick the dream that the character has. That’s important. Just because a hero is being called to some greater good doesn’t mean that their dreams just went away. Players usually feel very upset when they think that a roleplaying game ignored all of their choices. I used that psychological tendency as a way to convey the feeling of loss.
Choices also affect your ability to get different endings in the game. There’s a route that rewards you for being consistent, and another that rewards you for being bold. There’s a “game over” for charging into a dangerous situation unprepared. Try to get multiple endings!
This situation isn’t really unique to LIONKILLER; it’s a question that every narrative designer in the industry has to grapple with. I have a lot more freedom, but every game is inherently collaborative. Even if I wrote a completely linear story with straightforward characters, I can’t control how players think and feel inside of their heads. My advice is to embrace that. Create characters who sink their meat hooks into your player’s heart; create content that doesn’t let go without dislodging some buried thoughts from their dusty brains. Mulan is not an avatar, they’re a vehicle for transporting you into no-win situations.
I see my characters as tools, and not purely extensions of my ego. That doesn’t mean that they’re objective or bias-free (Mulan is a passive-aggressive complainer). It just means that they’re props that I use to create the narrative. The character of Hua Mulan is not a person, the player is a person. As a designer, I know that I have trapped my player into terrible situations. That’s why I always use the game’s narrative voice to comfort, rather than condemn their choices. I was the one who wrote those choices!
I give the player absolute narrative control in a moment in part three where I ask the player to type in their opinion of the British Empire. The game acknowledges and canonizes the player’s response on the next screen. I took a risk, since the player could still force Mulan to state: “May the sun never set on the British Empire.” However, it would be more powerful if the player chose to condemn the empire on their own terms. My player has always been my partner-in-crime, and that input screen is my ultimate expression of trust.
I have some friends who have trouble reading certain colors on computer screens, so I ran my new color choices past them for accessibility reasons. Purple indicates that there is more text on the page, while pink indicates that you’re moving to a new passage. The crimson on a few passages in part three indicate that the British officers are speaking. My next project focuses on UI even more, and the reason is because I didn’t have the budget to hire an artist. UI can be the visual interest if you’re not a game artist.
I did have a line of dialogue that looks super distorted, and it’s when the British officer is yelling at Mulan in English. I thought it was fun because Chinese and Arabic are so frequently represented as random scribbles. I bet most players have never seen English represented like that before.
What I do as a narrative game designer is that I allow players to express their emotions through the computer (a tool). I can’t put any feelings into somebody who didn’t already feel that compulsion. So a player can feel sad about a scene that made another player angry. Dialogue that made me feel cathartic might be painful for another. I don’t know what path players took in the game, and I don’t know the personal path that the player took in life. These two paths create far too many possibilities for me to account for. I’m not a god, I’m just a shady fortune-teller with tricky sleights-of-hand.
I do have one! It wasn’t planned and it wasn’t written in the most ideal circumstances (welcome to game development). You get this ending by coming clean about your gender and asking these men for their solidarity. By the way, these men have betrayed the Brigadier-General’s trust. They have skipped their military duties, and they have been lying to their superiors. All for their own survival. By any society’s metric, they are untrustworthy. But Mulan was also a liar. Can a liar condemn others who have lied? It’s a paradox.
I’m not telling other queer people to forgive unreliable people in their lives. This game will never judge the player for withholding their heart. This game doesn’t ask you to forgive these men. They don’t deserve forgiveness. But earning their trust and agreeing to save them is the only way to secure their cooperation. And sometimes, being vulnerable in the den of lions is what it takes to save other things that you love.
25 Things Even Polite People Don’t Apologize For
How many times a day do you say “sorry”? If it’s so often that you can’t remember, it might be time to rethink this habit. “Oftentimes we find ourselves reflexively apologizing without really knowing why,” says Lisa Mirza Grotts, etiquette expert and founder of the Golden Rules Gal. However, this apologetic reflex may be doing you more harm than good. “Research shows that when we keep saying ‘I’m sorry’ it makes us sound weak and less respected by our peers,” she explains, adding that in some situations it may even make you take responsibility for things you shouldn’t. “Instead, try flipping the script to saying ‘thank you’ instead. It’s more positive and makes you appear stronger and in control.”
Still, some people may worry that not apologizing may be impolite and that it’s better to be safe than sorry when it comes to polite manners. Not so, Grotts says, and to help you figure out the etiquette of apologizing we asked experts to share common things people apologize for that they shouldn’t. And if you do need to genuinely say you’re sorry? Make sure you aren’t sabotaging your apology with these nine mistakes.
Taking a sick day
Everyone gets sick sometimes. That’s not a failure, it’s a fact of life. Yet too many people fear using their sick days and apologize to their boss and coworkers when they finally do. Apologizing for using your PTO is totally unnecessary and can hurt you in the long run, says Kim Chronister, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Beverly Hills, California. “You are allowed to have personal downtime as long as it’s not excessive,” she says, adding that this includes mental health days. “Just be matter of fact. No need to spill emotional details at work or make excuses. Simply take a sick day and don’t apologize for it.”
Not buying a birthday gift for a friend
Buying someone a gift for their special day is a lovely gesture but it shouldn’t be an expectation, especially if you are in a difficult financial situation, Chronister says. “If you can’t afford to buy a gift, there’s no reason to apologize,” she explains. “If they truly love and care about you they will see your presence as the gift.” But just because you aren’t buying them a gift doesn’t mean you can’t give them anything, some of the best gifts are those that don’t cost a cent.
Interrupting someone occasionally
Interrupting others when they are speaking is a common etiquette mistake and one you should try to curb if it’s a frequent problem. However, we all do it sometimes and you don’t need to derail the conversation with an apology if it’s an accidental faux pas, Chronister says. “It’s okay to interrupt as long as it’s not mal-intended. It’s just about getting your point across and it happens sometimes,” she explains. Another issue is that some people, particularly men, see apologizing too often as a weakness so learning to apologize less may help you be seen as more confident and competent, she adds.
Saying “no” to being the classroom parent
“You should never apologize for saying ‘no’,” Grotts says. You’re allowed to protect your time and other resources, to stand up for yourself, and to have your own opinions—unapologetically. It can feel scary to say no, especially when the other person may be very disappointed or angry, so here’s how to say no without feeling like everyone is going to hate you.
Not knowing the right answer
With Google at our fingertips, it may seem like there is no excuse for you to not know something but technology doesn’t have all the answers (and often has the wrong ones) and all of us are in the process of learning, Grotts says. “If you don’t know the answer to something, just say so,” she says. “Instead of apologizing, see it as a good opportunity to learn something new.”
A partner’s table manners
filadendron/Getty Images“Never apologize for someone else’s behavior — that’s their job,” Grotts says. While it may be tempting to make apologies for your spouse, it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for another adult’s behavior and it is not reflective of your own, she says. Even worse, apologizing for their bad behavior may inadvertently get you roped into the situation which will reflect negatively on you, she adds.
Politics, religion and other hot button issues can feel too risky to even broach these days unless you know the other person already shares similar views but staying silent does a great disservice to society by discouraging open discourse and sharing of ideas. “Don’t apologize for having an opinion and for sharing it,” Grotts says. “Even though it may only be your judgment, it’s okay to voice it even if it’s not based on fact. That’s why it’s your opinion!”
Not responding immediately to a text
Having constant access to phones means that people now expect instant replies to their texts, emails or calls. However, just because they expect it doesn’t mean you need to—and you don’t need to apologize for it, says Robin H-C, behaviorist, life coach, and author of Life’s In Session. This assumes that any text or call should be your top priority but if you respond to every non-urgent issue you’d never get anything else done, she explains. Instead, she recommends replying when you are able, skipping any apology and moving straight to the matter at hand.
RSVP’ing no to a party invitation
Apologizing when saying no to an invitation may feel polite but it is likely not honest, and in the long run, honesty will serve you better, H-C says. “Are you really sorry you can’t go? If you were then you would find a way to make it work,” she says. “Usually people aren’t sorry, they just don’t want to go and apologizing is a passive way to avoid telling them that.” It’s fine to say no to invitations without offering an apology or explanation; if it is someone you’d like to see at a different time, then tell them that and make plans to meet up in the future.
A spouse’s anger
Have you ever felt the need to apologize for other people’s feelings? If so, it’s time to take a careful look at your boundaries, especially in relationships, H-C says. “People who were traumatized or bullied as kids often make themselves responsible for the emotional climate of those around them,” she explains. “The truth is, you are not responsible for another adult’s emotions and you should not apologize for them.” If your partner is trying to use their emotions to guilt you into an apology, that’s one of the signs of an unhealthy relationship.
A messy house
Do you live in fear of a neighbor or friend just “popping in” to say hello because of the state of your home and then find yourself apologizing over and over again for the mess when they do? Cut yourself some slack in this area, H-C says. “You’re the one who is living there in the mess, not them,” she says. “Really you’re apologizing to them for witnessing how you live, and you shouldn’t need to do that.” Instead, she says the best way to deal with this situation is a little humor—”So I’m thinking about becoming a professional organizer…”
When someone goes out of their way to help you
Many people say “I’m sorry” when what they really mean is “thank you,” says Amy Rollo, LPC-S, a licensed psychotherapist and owner of Heights Family Counseling in Houston, Texas. For instance, if you go to a full restaurant and the staff works hard to find a space for you, instead of apologizing for inconveniencing them, express appreciation for their hard work, she explains. Both you and the other person will feel happier by focusing on the positive aspects of helping others.
Going to the store in sweats
In an ideal world, we’d all only leave the house once we were perfectly coiffed and put together. Real-life, however, means that people get sick, wake up late, run out of hot water, have a broken washing machine, or have any number of situations that cause them to go out in public looking less than their best. And that’s totally fine, Rollo says. “Don’t apologize for your appearance. If you are tired or stressed, just own that you are not perfect and this is part of you,” she says.
Crying during an argument
“Emotions should never be apologized for, you are allowed to feel what you feel,” Rollo says. This doesn’t mean you have free reign to meltdown on anyone in your path—how you express your emotions matters—but you don’t need to apologize for simply feeling a certain way. Many people have been trained to think they “shouldn’t” feel sad or upset but negative emotions are a part of human life and you’re allowed to be human.
Toddler temper tantrums
There isn’t a parent on the planet who hasn’t had a little one cry, scream, or explosively vomit at the most inconvenient time. It’s a necessary, albeit frustrating, part of their development from infants to functioning adults—a fact that more people would do well to remember. So while you should help manage your child as best as you can, you don’t need to apologize for their outbursts, Rollo says. “Instead of saying you’re sorry, let others know that you understand this is a difficult situation, and you thank them for being patient,” she says.
Turning down sex
Many people feel they need to apologize for not wanting to have sex and it can cause tension in a relationship says Melanie Gonzalez, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in Irvine, California. But your sex drive is like any other appetite. Would you apologize for not being hungry? “It’s very normal to not be in the mood sometimes and apologizing for that implies that you should always want sex,” she explains. “Man or woman, sometimes you are not in the mood and that should be okay and accepted by your partner without them taking it personally.”
A delayed flight
FatCamera/Getty Images“Don’t apologize for things that are out of your control like a delayed flight, bad weather, or illness,” says Amy Ricke, MD, a psychiatrist with Your Doctors Online, adding that these things just happen and most people will be understanding, even if it messes up their plans. “Say something to acknowledge the other person’s disappointment or inconvenience, but do not take responsibility for events or circumstances you have no role in.”
Apologizing before asking a question is very common, especially in women, Dr. Ricke says. But not only is this unnecessary it could hurt your career and relationships. “You have the right to get more information or gain clarification, whether it be at home, work, or elsewhere,” she says. “If you feel that you are interrupting or inconveniencing the other person, you can say ‘I have a few questions for you, please let me know when it is a good time to ask’.”
Not coming home for the holidays
Holidays are the time for seeing family—unless you don’t want to and that’s perfectly okay, says Stacy Cohen, MD, psychiatrist and founder of The Moment. There are many reasons why you may not want to go home for the holidays but the bottom line is that your feelings are valid. “So many people spend years suffering through the holidays, even though spending time with family isn’t the healthiest choice for them, they do it anyway,” she says. “You’re allowed to draw boundaries with your family and you don’t need to apologize for enforcing them.” Doing this may even improve your relationships. “You’ll feel less resentment towards your family, and you may even look forward to seeing them on your own terms,” she adds.
Turning down a Tinder date
Forget bars and clubs, these days dating apps have become the most commonplace for couples to meet. People are oftentimes less shy about asking for a date from behind a screen but the rules of dating etiquette are the same online as they are in real life, and that includes the right to unapologetically refuse a date, Dr. Cohen says. “If your answer is no, be clear,” she says. “Be honest and direct — but don’t be sorry. That just makes the rejection confusing!”
Taking time to be alone
Regardless of whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert (or an ambivert!), everyone needs some alone time every once in a while. Yet despite this being a very basic human need, many people feel guilty for taking time for themselves and feel the need to apologize for self-care, says Clinton Moore, PhD, a Clinical Psychologist and founder of Cadence Psychology in North Sydney, Australia. “Self-care is an important part of maintaining our own resilience and not something to be apologized for,” he says. “A great way to handle this is to let people know your plan ahead of time so they don’t feel like you are brushing them off.”
Religious beliefs
When people have conflicting core values, like different religious views, it can be difficult to navigate. Many times one person will feel compelled to apologize for their personal values because they don’t want to offend or upset the other person, Moore says. “There is no such thing as right or wrong values. They are all equally valid,” he says. “Instead of saying you’re sorry, take the time to listen to the other person’s perspective, thank them for their input, but politely say that it seems the two of you might value different things.”
For every little thing
Have you ever met someone who apologizes for even the slightest error? Some people feel compelled to apologize for every tiny mistake but this habit may actually be harming their relationships, Dr. Moore says. “Everyone makes little mistakes; from forgetting to pick up something at the shops to repeatedly not turning on the washing machine before bed. These are all perfectly normal things that you don’t want to start apologizing for,” he says. “When you start apologizing for trivial mistakes you run the risk of shifting the dynamic of the relationship and placing yourself in a subservient position which is not good for a healthy relationship.” You can acknowledge the mistake and validate their frustration without apologizing for it, he adds.
Needing space
“You should never have to apologize for tending to your needs,” Dr. Moore says. The trick is to learn to compromise while still being assertive about what you need, he says. “Remember that assertiveness doesn’t mean always getting what you want, it means being clear about what you need,” he says.
A home-cooked meal
Sometimes what people are really looking for with an apology is reassurance, says Haleh Stahl, a licensed clinical psychologist in Beverly Hills, California. For instance, if you spend hours making a home-cooked meal and no one says anything about it, you may be tempted to apologize as a way of seeking reassurance that the food was good and your guests appreciate you. But the truth is you made them food! That’s awesome! So instead of apologizing, just ask directly what they thought of the meal (or assume they enjoyed it as shown by their empty plates), she says. Next, read on for the 16 things polite people have in common.
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